Warning: rant.
I hate my situation. I hate it.
I just got my student loan funding into my university account but it didn't cover all my tuition. I still owe my school $700 that I don't have. I might get the $1000 direct deposit like I used to get with my loans, but then $700 of that goes towards my unpaid tuition. I'll only have $300 left. I can't live on $300 of food for the next 4 months. I already budget my food and cook my own stuff. I don't eat the best because I want to save money. But even then I still spend $150 to $200 a month on food and stuff that breaks and I have to go buy repairs for them.
I can't do anything right now either because it's the weekend. This is the first time I encountered shit like this and I don't know what to do. I can't go home and I want to finish my degree. I can get a on-campus job but that postpones my degree plan because I can't do a 5 class load WITH work and get As, because I need As to bump up my GPA for grad school. I also don't want to work part-time in retail again because that detracts me from my education and I LOVE learning and I want to graduate. I don't know how else I could express how MUCH I want to graduate and then start working full-time and paying off my debts. I'm already doing the best I can and I don't go out with friends anymore because it's expensive. I already only study and pull in commissions and I told myself if I do this everything will turn out right 2 years later.
But I can't even think about 2 years later now because I don't have the ability to do any of that in the next 4 months. I also don't want to drop out because I NEED my education to get somewhere. I am also $20,000 in student loan debt already and if I drop out I need to start paying my loans back. Plus I lose my dorm room housing and I probably can't afford even the most basic rent in my city's housing market.
I also can't go back home.
I'm at a fucking loss and I hate all of this.
I work hard to get where I want to be but shit like this keeps happening and bringing me back down to rock bottom and these things are stuff I can't control. I'm the person you hear about who's active in their school community and volunteering. I'm the person you hear about who does all their own job hunting and forge their own connections. I'm the one who keeps a happy face and still help others even when I'm pretty much stressed out and breaking down and I don't know what I did to deserve all of this shit piled on me when I have been as to the book responsible for the last 10 years of my life. I don't know why I deserve to worry about food and money at 19 and I don't know why I deserve to have to drop out of classes, and I don't know why I deserve to not be able to enjoy my university experience without financial worry. I don't know what I did wrong because I don't think I deserve any of this.
I feel like giving up.
I hate my situation. I hate it.
I just got my student loan funding into my university account but it didn't cover all my tuition. I still owe my school $700 that I don't have. I might get the $1000 direct deposit like I used to get with my loans, but then $700 of that goes towards my unpaid tuition. I'll only have $300 left. I can't live on $300 of food for the next 4 months. I already budget my food and cook my own stuff. I don't eat the best because I want to save money. But even then I still spend $150 to $200 a month on food and stuff that breaks and I have to go buy repairs for them.
I can't do anything right now either because it's the weekend. This is the first time I encountered shit like this and I don't know what to do. I can't go home and I want to finish my degree. I can get a on-campus job but that postpones my degree plan because I can't do a 5 class load WITH work and get As, because I need As to bump up my GPA for grad school. I also don't want to work part-time in retail again because that detracts me from my education and I LOVE learning and I want to graduate. I don't know how else I could express how MUCH I want to graduate and then start working full-time and paying off my debts. I'm already doing the best I can and I don't go out with friends anymore because it's expensive. I already only study and pull in commissions and I told myself if I do this everything will turn out right 2 years later.
But I can't even think about 2 years later now because I don't have the ability to do any of that in the next 4 months. I also don't want to drop out because I NEED my education to get somewhere. I am also $20,000 in student loan debt already and if I drop out I need to start paying my loans back. Plus I lose my dorm room housing and I probably can't afford even the most basic rent in my city's housing market.
I also can't go back home.
I'm at a fucking loss and I hate all of this.
I work hard to get where I want to be but shit like this keeps happening and bringing me back down to rock bottom and these things are stuff I can't control. I'm the person you hear about who's active in their school community and volunteering. I'm the person you hear about who does all their own job hunting and forge their own connections. I'm the one who keeps a happy face and still help others even when I'm pretty much stressed out and breaking down and I don't know what I did to deserve all of this shit piled on me when I have been as to the book responsible for the last 10 years of my life. I don't know why I deserve to worry about food and money at 19 and I don't know why I deserve to have to drop out of classes, and I don't know why I deserve to not be able to enjoy my university experience without financial worry. I don't know what I did wrong because I don't think I deserve any of this.
I feel like giving up.
