Warning: Long , long blog post below.
As it's now two days into May I spent a while just now reflecting on the past few months and realigning my goals and plans for the next month or so, and into the new year. Thinking on new hobbies I should take, what projects I should start or drop, and what things I could still work on improving my personality. I just think if I never thought about reassessing my goals and try to improve myself I'd just go insane with nothing motivating or driving me to do better and better. It's safe to say I'm a restless sort of person and need several things to keep my attention on life at hand or else I'd just start daydreaming or thinking about the future. Doing new things and being busy helps keep me grounded safely.
But this blog post isn't about that, it's about me reflecting on March and April and figuring out where I'm going on from here on out.
I posted a blog before recently about my family situation and all the stress I've been under. I honestly admit I never had experienced such dark times like I did in March. April got better in the second half of the month. The first two weeks of April were dark as well. It started off with getting news about my family's financial situation and trying to deal with parents separating and losing our house, and not being able to do something to fix the problem. Even though my parents told me to focus on my school work, it's just in my nature to try and help wherever I can, and I just didn't like the idea of being the third wheel. I was traumatized and it started affecting my grades and leadership activities and my grades plummeted from a 90% average to a 70% average.
I had many many thoughts about giving up. I really did. I called off almost all my EC activities and went on leave from my volunteer placements, and tried to ground myself back down into studying as more of a way to elevate the trauma and stress. But I did worse and worse each quiz and each test and I got JUST so frustrated. Compounding onto my preexisting stress was that I did not qualify anymore for any major entrance scholarships to university, and with my family's financial situation I needed additional funding for a post secondary education. I also didn't know if I COULD still get into university, and the thought of not being able to go just terrified me because I absolutely wanted to get out of my family's situation.
This led to a breakdown in my physics class, after I did poorly on a retest for a test that I originally failed (I've never EVER failed a test before that one, ever.) If I can be really honest with myself, I had two options back then that I could have taken: given up and just said "screw this, I don't want to try anymore", or told myself to keep working at it. I was SO close to choosing to follow the first option. I really was. I honestly had no motivation at that point in time to bring up my marks and do better overall. I lost my chance at the scholarships which I've been working so hard since 10th grade to prepare, and I might not have gotten into a PSI, and so on. It just compounded to the point I couldn't really deal with anything anymore.
But honestly, it was thanks to my teacher that I gotten back on track since that breakdown. And the nagging feeling I have that I didn't want to end up like one of my friend's did, after a family event tramatized her, and she started skipping and flunking school. I just knew, that I didn't want to be like her, and I guess that feeling was just SO strong I kept at trying SO many ways to bring my marks back up and restructure and salvage what I had left. Even during this phase I kept doubting myself and wanting to give up, and I don't think I've ever, ever, thought about giving up so much before than during this time. I thought I was always one of the kind of people that is stubborn and keeps battling on no matter what, but honest to god if I didn't have my teacher's support and my determination not to end up like my friend I wouldn't have been able to get past that dark period.
I made radical changes to my schedule and priorities after identifying possible solutions during my two week spring break at the end of March. Instead of going to class on the clock at 7:50am in the morning for my first class I decided to come earlier at about 7:20am to run the track, and got one of my friends in on the training regime as well. We run laps, and I started walking to school and back home as well. I ended up staying at school from 7:20am -ish to about 4:30pm, of which the last 2 hours or so (my classes end at 2:10) I spend in my teacher's class to do my work and get additional stuff done. Drastically changing my schedule and dedicating a lot of time for exercising has really relieved me of stress and energized me more... so I pay more attention in class, and block out all the trauma I was experiencing. There's something to just listening and counting to your footfall on the track that is really calming. So I go to school from 7:20 am to 4:30pm, then I get home, shower, eat, do a bit of review and spend an hour online doing some work, and head off to sleep at about 10pm or 11. For the past month I've never stayed up past 11 pm and I always was able to wake up early because of that.
I know I'm just stating these things objectively now, but I can't iliterate how difficult it was for me to change my schedule. I just knew... I had to do it, or else I'll be stuck in my old schedule, which will remind me of my trauma, and I didn't want to be that person anymore and I wanted to change. I didn't go see a counsellor, I didn't tell any of my teachers about my family situation (not my physics teacher either) or talked to my friends about them. I just.. I guess I just took things into my own hands and found out what needs to be changed, and got right into changing them. I guess I was just stubborn and motivated, but I guess... I just didn't want to give up and call it quits. I don't know. I still don't understand what I did and HOW I did it.
One of the hardest things I had to do was take a break from my work experience placement, and my president role in our school's magazine that I founded two years ago. But the situation warented me to step down briefly, and I did just that. It was one of the HARDEST things I had to do, but I had to do it. I'm now back and running the magazine but not to the same capacity as I was before March. I'm good with it ; I made my peace with that long time ago. It helps when you have a dedicated team you can honestly rely on and not worry about what may go wrong or who may not complete their assigned tasks. I'm really grateful for this.
I just.. I just feel like I'm a completely new person in control of what I want to do, and knowing how to get there. Stuff is still going on in my family but I refocused, and brought my marks back up from 70 to an 86%. Not back up to 90%, but I've been talking to my teachers and they said I could safely get back to 90%+ in the last two months of the courses. I applied to a few more scholarships but redirected my search towards bursaries and student loans, and now I'm researching and rehearsing for two scholarship competitions at our school. Having something to do that's meaningful helps me stay focused.
And best of yet, yesterday I received a confirmation of acceptance into university, at my first institution choice, in my first choice of their program.
This upcoming September, I'll be going to Simon Fraser University to study Business Administration and Communications. (Communications, technology, and media culture).
Nothing is quite back to normal yet, and I don't think it will ever be again. But even if I got the chance to go back to where once things were, I wouldn't really choose to do that. I like my new goals, plans, schedule, and mindset and I don't think I ever want to change it. I also think that what I went through in March was a learning experience and it's safe to say I'm back on the right track and I won't ever fall so low again. March was the most darkest and uncertain periods of my entire life and I got through it -- changed, but for the better.
I honestly owe a lot to my physics teacher, my magazine team, and you guys here at VPL who took the time to read and comment on my previous blog posts.
Thanks guys.
I don't know where I would have been now if I didn't have all of your and their support. I really don't.
I would have stopped trying long, long time ago.
Thanks for everything.
I owe you guys!
As it's now two days into May I spent a while just now reflecting on the past few months and realigning my goals and plans for the next month or so, and into the new year. Thinking on new hobbies I should take, what projects I should start or drop, and what things I could still work on improving my personality. I just think if I never thought about reassessing my goals and try to improve myself I'd just go insane with nothing motivating or driving me to do better and better. It's safe to say I'm a restless sort of person and need several things to keep my attention on life at hand or else I'd just start daydreaming or thinking about the future. Doing new things and being busy helps keep me grounded safely.
But this blog post isn't about that, it's about me reflecting on March and April and figuring out where I'm going on from here on out.
I posted a blog before recently about my family situation and all the stress I've been under. I honestly admit I never had experienced such dark times like I did in March. April got better in the second half of the month. The first two weeks of April were dark as well. It started off with getting news about my family's financial situation and trying to deal with parents separating and losing our house, and not being able to do something to fix the problem. Even though my parents told me to focus on my school work, it's just in my nature to try and help wherever I can, and I just didn't like the idea of being the third wheel. I was traumatized and it started affecting my grades and leadership activities and my grades plummeted from a 90% average to a 70% average.
I had many many thoughts about giving up. I really did. I called off almost all my EC activities and went on leave from my volunteer placements, and tried to ground myself back down into studying as more of a way to elevate the trauma and stress. But I did worse and worse each quiz and each test and I got JUST so frustrated. Compounding onto my preexisting stress was that I did not qualify anymore for any major entrance scholarships to university, and with my family's financial situation I needed additional funding for a post secondary education. I also didn't know if I COULD still get into university, and the thought of not being able to go just terrified me because I absolutely wanted to get out of my family's situation.
This led to a breakdown in my physics class, after I did poorly on a retest for a test that I originally failed (I've never EVER failed a test before that one, ever.) If I can be really honest with myself, I had two options back then that I could have taken: given up and just said "screw this, I don't want to try anymore", or told myself to keep working at it. I was SO close to choosing to follow the first option. I really was. I honestly had no motivation at that point in time to bring up my marks and do better overall. I lost my chance at the scholarships which I've been working so hard since 10th grade to prepare, and I might not have gotten into a PSI, and so on. It just compounded to the point I couldn't really deal with anything anymore.
But honestly, it was thanks to my teacher that I gotten back on track since that breakdown. And the nagging feeling I have that I didn't want to end up like one of my friend's did, after a family event tramatized her, and she started skipping and flunking school. I just knew, that I didn't want to be like her, and I guess that feeling was just SO strong I kept at trying SO many ways to bring my marks back up and restructure and salvage what I had left. Even during this phase I kept doubting myself and wanting to give up, and I don't think I've ever, ever, thought about giving up so much before than during this time. I thought I was always one of the kind of people that is stubborn and keeps battling on no matter what, but honest to god if I didn't have my teacher's support and my determination not to end up like my friend I wouldn't have been able to get past that dark period.
I made radical changes to my schedule and priorities after identifying possible solutions during my two week spring break at the end of March. Instead of going to class on the clock at 7:50am in the morning for my first class I decided to come earlier at about 7:20am to run the track, and got one of my friends in on the training regime as well. We run laps, and I started walking to school and back home as well. I ended up staying at school from 7:20am -ish to about 4:30pm, of which the last 2 hours or so (my classes end at 2:10) I spend in my teacher's class to do my work and get additional stuff done. Drastically changing my schedule and dedicating a lot of time for exercising has really relieved me of stress and energized me more... so I pay more attention in class, and block out all the trauma I was experiencing. There's something to just listening and counting to your footfall on the track that is really calming. So I go to school from 7:20 am to 4:30pm, then I get home, shower, eat, do a bit of review and spend an hour online doing some work, and head off to sleep at about 10pm or 11. For the past month I've never stayed up past 11 pm and I always was able to wake up early because of that.
I know I'm just stating these things objectively now, but I can't iliterate how difficult it was for me to change my schedule. I just knew... I had to do it, or else I'll be stuck in my old schedule, which will remind me of my trauma, and I didn't want to be that person anymore and I wanted to change. I didn't go see a counsellor, I didn't tell any of my teachers about my family situation (not my physics teacher either) or talked to my friends about them. I just.. I guess I just took things into my own hands and found out what needs to be changed, and got right into changing them. I guess I was just stubborn and motivated, but I guess... I just didn't want to give up and call it quits. I don't know. I still don't understand what I did and HOW I did it.
One of the hardest things I had to do was take a break from my work experience placement, and my president role in our school's magazine that I founded two years ago. But the situation warented me to step down briefly, and I did just that. It was one of the HARDEST things I had to do, but I had to do it. I'm now back and running the magazine but not to the same capacity as I was before March. I'm good with it ; I made my peace with that long time ago. It helps when you have a dedicated team you can honestly rely on and not worry about what may go wrong or who may not complete their assigned tasks. I'm really grateful for this.
I just.. I just feel like I'm a completely new person in control of what I want to do, and knowing how to get there. Stuff is still going on in my family but I refocused, and brought my marks back up from 70 to an 86%. Not back up to 90%, but I've been talking to my teachers and they said I could safely get back to 90%+ in the last two months of the courses. I applied to a few more scholarships but redirected my search towards bursaries and student loans, and now I'm researching and rehearsing for two scholarship competitions at our school. Having something to do that's meaningful helps me stay focused.
And best of yet, yesterday I received a confirmation of acceptance into university, at my first institution choice, in my first choice of their program.
This upcoming September, I'll be going to Simon Fraser University to study Business Administration and Communications. (Communications, technology, and media culture).
Nothing is quite back to normal yet, and I don't think it will ever be again. But even if I got the chance to go back to where once things were, I wouldn't really choose to do that. I like my new goals, plans, schedule, and mindset and I don't think I ever want to change it. I also think that what I went through in March was a learning experience and it's safe to say I'm back on the right track and I won't ever fall so low again. March was the most darkest and uncertain periods of my entire life and I got through it -- changed, but for the better.
I honestly owe a lot to my physics teacher, my magazine team, and you guys here at VPL who took the time to read and comment on my previous blog posts.
Thanks guys.
I don't know where I would have been now if I didn't have all of your and their support. I really don't.
I would have stopped trying long, long time ago.
Thanks for everything.
I owe you guys!
